Healing Sacred Wounds

It’s really difficult to actually heal older scars if you’re continually having them reopened with fresh wounds. This painful analogy seems to fit well the saga my husband and I are living in right now. We made the tough decision to leave our home church of around 10 years back in November of 2020, and for the past 6-8 months had been increasingly more involved with a new church that seemed promising. As we became more involved and built some relationships, we began working on processing some of our traumatic experiences (or church hurt, whatever term you prefer). This process seemed to be leading in a promising direction when we both were asked to participate in a preaching lab the pastor wanted to host for members interested in preaching but lacking in some experience. Having grown up in a “women never preach” environment, this experience was a first for me and seemed miraculous. Friends and various extended family members affirmed my calling and desire to preach and promised to attend or tune in once I had a specific time to preach.

Then almost a week ago, the entire dream popped like a soap bubble. The pastor resigned citing differences in vision and ministry with the church council. Within one week I went from the highest high a church could offer, back to the low I had come to expect from the majority of church experiences. After getting more information from both the pastor and the council, our family has decided to leave that church. We can’t say for sure what comes next. It’s hard to exaggerate how discouraging that type of repeat experience can produce. What seemed insurmountable the first time it happens, begins to feel like you should just expect it after a second time with different players and the same plot.

So, this post is taking a break from the planned topic so I can explore the idea of whether it’s even possible to heal from deep scarring when your environment keeps reopening the wounds. Do the scars ever finally form? Do you just keep bleeding until you give up? This seems like a question worth exploring further.

The sad honest answer is — I don’t know. If I did, I probably wouldn’t be choosing this as a topic for a post right now. Given the fact that you can’t really control how many different types of cuts life throws at you, I would hope that it’s possible to eventually come to a place where you choose to heal regardless of who or what is attacking your peace of mind. The question at hand seems to be whether we have reached that point yet or not, and if not, how do we get there?

However, I do feel that I have a grasp on some tips for those who like me are working to process some big feelings and emotions right now.

• Feel your feelings without policing them or denying them.

It’s tempting in situations like this to blame yourself or others for the way things turned out. It’s even possible some of that blame is valid, but you may also feel ashamed or embarrassed, disappointed, and a host of other emotions you can’t ignore. Your feelings are there for a reason, even if you don’t know what that reason is. So, let yourself feel what you feel; everyone reacts to this type of stress in different ways. Let your feelings exist without adding guilt on top of them for having feelings to begin with.

• Give yourself time to grieve the losses.

Everyone grieves differently, but the one common thread to all grief is that it takes time. Some grief may take more time to process than others, but it’s absolutely crucial that you don’t rush yourself through coming to grips with what you’re going through. Given a little time and a lot of reflection you may find that you have some important take-aways from this negative experience. That wisdom won’t come to you while you’re hiding from your pain or rushing off to the next thing. It requires that you be listening.

• Give your spouse and children space to grieve in various ways – particularly leave room for your children to express their feelings and questions.

While the pain may be most evident in your life, it’s likely going to affect your family and those closest to you as well. Children may not fully understand the reasons behind the loss, or they may have questions. Be ready and open to hear them. You don’t have to have answers for all their questions, but it’s important to let them be heard. It builds a pattern of how they will handle loss in their adult life as well.

• Do not waste your energy or time defending yourself to people who don’t believe you.

If you’ve been slandered or misrepresented (or straight up lied about), it can be really tempting to want to set the record straight. In my experience (which is somewhat limited, but it’s all I can offer), there is no point in trying to clear your name with the very people who are dragging it through the mud. It’s entirely possible there are people around the edge of the situation who are willing to hear both sides, but if someone is heavily invested in maintaining the negative impression of you, it’s time to shake the dust off your feet and keep going. There’s too much to be done, and your energy is better spent elsewhere.

• Find a safe, uninvolved person to process the situation with.

This doesn’t mean you can’t find someone who wasn’t directly involved with the situation to help you process it though. By the time everything has blown up in your face, you probably have a good idea of who’s a safe person to help you work through the details, as opposed to those who just want the latest scoop or will not hear criticism of the system that just ran over you. It is often helpful to have an unbiased opinion from someone who is willing to listen and wants to help. If there is no one available in your personal life, this can also include therapists. You can be sure my therapist has heard a LOT about this situation from this past week. Having someone who can help you sort out how you feel about things and what even happened can be so helpful.

• Don’t give up hope – the next thing can still be good.

Sometimes it’s hard to feel hopeful after something like this happens. Remember, we’re not policing our feelings! 😉 The important thing is to acknowledge the painful present without writing off the possibility of a better future. Just because things went badly in this circumstance, doesn’t mean you won’t find or make a better one in the future. Keep your eyes fixed on ahead and know that while you are not alone in this pain–it will not always be this raw either.

So, I guess the short answer to the question I keep asking is – yes. We can begin healing even while people around us are trying to reopen our old wounds. Through healthy boundaries and a decent amount of balance in our lives, we can continue to become healthier emotionally as we strive to live out our days the way we were designed to – in freedom as we love our neighbors.

Grace and peace to everyone reading this. If you’re struggling with some church hurt, religious trauma, or other types of loss, feel free to reach out to me on Twitter @thegreengibson or shoot me an email at: katie@sacredwounds.org.