In the exhaustingly massive topics of spiritual or emotional abuse, there is no place more foundational or urgently relevant than gaslighting. Unfortunately, this issue is becoming part of the common culture, particularly as the United States attempts to move forward into a post-Trump era.
Merriam-Webster defines gaslight as a verb meaning “to attempt to make (someone) believe that he or she is going insane (as by subjecting that person to a series of experiences that have no rational explanation).”1 Though the term itself originated in the 1944 movie actually titled Gaslight, the concept seems like it could have come straight out of current pop culture. Simply put, this is the process of gradually convincing someone they can’t trust their own senses or intuition. This might look like saying something incredibly hurtful then later back-pedaling to claim you were only joking and the offended person is overly-sensitive. Another example could be encouraging your fans to get violent against your critics, then responding to complaints of violence by your followers by saying you never encouraged violence. Sound familiar?
So, how does this look in a group setting? What about a faith setting? How does spirituality add an additional dimension? Let’s break it down into some manageable ideas and zoom in a little closer as we go. I’ll include some source articles at the bottom in hopes of providing resources to those of you looking for more.2
One of the first warning signs of gaslighting is the constant lying. Does this mean anybody who lies is gaslighting? Not necessarily. Lying is a huge part of gaslighting someone successfully, but it is not the only component. The thing that makes gaslighting different is, for lack of a better word, intensity. We’re not talking about a casual white lie that you like someone’s outfit to avoid hurting their feelings. We’re talking about a lying campaign. The goal is not to simply deceive you about one fact or one idea–the goal is to break you down so well that you stop questioning them. There are plenty of well-known quotes about the danger of well-traveled lies when they outrun the truth, but consider what happens when an outrageous lie is faced with truth and the lie is still believed. This is a lie internalized so frequently and so deeply, it feels like it must be true.
This is a lie internalized so frequently and so deeply, it feels like it must be true.
Another aspect of gaslighting that combines with the lying is the victim-blaming. Imagine being an emergency first-responder heading to the scene of a horribly violent domestic abuse and when you try to treat the battered wife’s extensive injuries, you realize she is the one wearing handcuffs. You think there must be some mistake, but upon double checking with the officers involved, you’re informed that she has confessed to being the abuser, and the husband (who hasn’t got a single scratch on him) has sworn out a statement saying she forced him to hit her, because she burnt his dinner. At this point, the situation seems so outrageously skewed, it’s getting ridiculous, but take this type of scenario into an emotional setting.
Gaslighting victims often feel like the “bad guy” if they ever try to set boundaries or stand up for themselves. In this example’s terminology, the gaslight victim feels so bad for “burning the dinner” that they think they deserve to be beaten to a pulp (in this case, emotionally speaking). It is not enough to just be emotionally abusive, they go further to blame the victims for their abusive behavior. This type of behavior also shows up a lot in cases of actual physical abuse, which unfortunately makes it very difficult for abusive victims to leave their abusers.
The whole situation provides a false sense of normalcy that people outside the relationship find bizarre. This is why even rational, critical thinkers find it difficult to see the abuse from the inside. This effect, in part, might be the result of a society that will do just about anything to avoid viewing themselves as a victim. But there’s also an element of gaslighting that creates this aura intentionally. It’s a lot easier to control a person who doesn’t think they’re being controlled.
Finally, let’s not forget the power dynamic at work in this type of situation. The very core of gaslighting inherently creates a power imbalance. Think of it like the act of an emotional parasite that drains power from another person. You could also call it emotional judo – using the other person’s humanity against them. It’s amazing really — how adept some people are at getting what they want from other people. Whether it’s a scapegoat to help them avoid personal responbility or an easy target for their misdirected anger, there are an unfortunate number of people in society who are experts at convincing others to carry their bags for them.
Although these situations were all discussed in terms of individuals, there are even more interactions when entire groups are involved. Next time I’ll dive into how this relates to group dynamics and what happens when entire groups begin gaslighting each other.
❤ k.t.grey
Healing Sacred Wounds 
One thought on “Gaslighting is the new black…”